good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize