I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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