it's too hot outside to masturbate.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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