Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
