Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Who died my cat blue again?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
