i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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