You smell like a Billy Joel song
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
