I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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