I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
