I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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