my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
