I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
