Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(517): View more from Michigan

I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.

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(256): View more from Alabama

that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level

Fav 16 5105 1210
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(316): View more from Kansas

i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

Fav 25 5797 1939
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(604): View more from British Columbia

Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.

Fav 6 1019 4194
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(208): View more from Idaho

How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

Fav 30 4088 1839
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(865): View more from Tennessee

I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth

Fav 13 1899 4720
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(641): View more from Iowa

Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples

Fav 3 793 1937
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(259): View more from

man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day

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(805): View more from California

I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?

(1-506): View more from New Brunswick

Yes absolutlely

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