u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
