We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You're like the curious george of whores
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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