oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
