i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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