he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
