oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
