I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
