Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
honey bunches of taint.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
