A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize