dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This beer is not sobering me up at all
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
