mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
