The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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