We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
