I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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