There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize