dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
