You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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