i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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