you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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