She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
