Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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