I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
