I cannot find my penis.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
