Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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