it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
