this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize