The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Acid is not a monday night drug
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
