I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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