Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize