There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
