I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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