i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
