u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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