She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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