bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
