i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
