at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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