I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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