And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
