i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
