I need to stop coming to work sober
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize