is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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