At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
